Monthly Archives: May 2010

Take up crying: it really does make you feel better!

Sometimes you don’t know why you ‘procrastinate’. For me, I didn’t know until today why I hadn’t written today’s Blog yet. And by the way, sometimes it’s not procrastination at all, it’s merely that the time wasn’t right. I think it’s a great skill to be able to tell the difference.

I have a personal client who was doing ‘anger’ more than he wanted. On the receiving end of this angry shouting were the kids. Not the best style of parenting, and not very effective either. So, a lose/lose one might say.

So, what is this anger about? Triggered by the kids not doing what he wants, this dad’s anger was coming from that well-known thinking and feeling self, ‘I’m not in control here. They should do what I say. I’m in charge. I’m the dad”.

You know that I’m Mr Honest; I don’t beat around the bush; I like Simon Cowell (well, a bit anyway). So I’m going to say it straight:

Next time you feel angry, CRY INSTEAD.

Get upset. Give in to your feelings of not being in control. Why? Because you ARE UPSET. It’s upsetting to feel you’ve lost control.

Let me finish the story – it may help the understanding.

When my client got angry and shouted at the kids, what do you think the kids did in response? They argued, shouted back, got angry as well. No surprise there then. And did they do what they were told? No.

LESSON ONE. Kids learns from their parents: end of!

So that’s one reason not to do anger in this situation.

To continue. Next time the kids didn’t do what they were told, this dad for no apparent reason, chose a different response: he cried!

Immediately the kids mood was changed by the tears. This crying interrupted their state and they became concerned about their dad. They didn’t know what was wrong at first, because we often – even as adults – just have no idea how our behaviours are affecting those around us. (Bosses beware).

But because these children do actually love their dad, they couldn’t be unaffected by his overt display of emotion and showed their concern.

This brought them together – for a cuddle. A win/win, I’m sure you’d agree.

Did they then do what dad had asked? Yes. Will this strategy always work? Not always. But as an alternative to anger where both parties actually end up feeling worse, which would you rather try?

Personal friend and clinical psychologist, Graham Flatman, who specialises in children, once told that even very young children do understand what’s going on even when we think it might be a bit grown up for them. So, don’t underestimate the child’s level of awareness about things.

This episode illustrates several things:

Anger takes a huge amount of energy.

Anger often evokes anger in the other person too.

Anger triggers a flood of feel-bad hormones in the body.

Crying, in this instance, shows the other person how you really feel, and allows them to ‘get’ your genuine emotional communication.

Crying – not always, but certainly in this instance – often evokes empathy in the other person.

Crying – and this was the big learning for me – triggers a flood of feel-good hormones in the body – THE SAME ONES THAT ARE TRIGGERED BY SMILING AND LAUGHING.

Surprised? – I know I was.

Just think about it. We pay money to see movies that make us laugh and movies that make us cry. Why, because it makes us ‘feel’ a certain way, and we ‘enjoy’ it.

If you’ve enjoyed or been provoked by this Blog, please add a comment and/or rate it for me. Thank you.

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Whatever you pay attention to will create a feeling within you.

Whatever you pay attention to will create a feeling within you. When that feeling becomes an emotion, ask yourself, ‘is this feeling serving me well or badly?’ What do I mean?

Let me try to explain.

Thoughts, feelings and actions are inextricably linked. No, I’m not making this up. This is the science. I would never publish something that wasn’t proven scientifically. I hate hearsay and make-believe. Check out the writings of Antonio Damasio or Joe Dispenza for evidence.

So, when you have a thought – any thought – your ‘feeling self’ responds. Sometimes the response is almost imperceptible; sometimes it’s more dramatic.

When you think about money or the global recession, you may suddenly sense a feeling of fear, or it may have no effect whatsoever. The point is, that whenever you feel a strong emotion – fear, anger, disgust, etc. – your body’s chemistry has changed. You have different chemicals running through your brain and blood stream.

This difference can be motivating or freezing, and if you’re going to learn to USE YOUR EMOTIONS to your own advantage all the time – my personal goal still – you need a) to recognise them, and b) to learn how to attach an empowering activator to them.

The line between fear and excitement, biologically, is non-existent. It’s the same chemistry inside you. Whether you sense a feeling of fear or excitement, based on the same stimulus, in ‘ordinary’ people, is down to what that same stimulus has meant to you in the past.

In ‘Unstoppable’ people, which is what you and I would really like to become, the sense of fear or excitement will come from what we DECIDE to feel about the stimulus.

Try this: Attach a simple word like ‘Opportunity’ to the word ‘Recession’ and STICK THEM TOGETHER in your psyche. The feeling you are now getting is going to be very different than if you attach the word ‘Famine’ to the word ‘Recession’. As you read this, allow yourself to sense what is probably a tiny change inside you dependent on which attachment you make.

Do you see? If not, repeat those connected words a few times and see how the two differ in feeling:

RECESSION IS OPPORTUNITY

RECESSION IS OPPORTUNITY

RECESSION IS OPPORTUNITY

say it out loud

now this:

RECESSION IS FAMINE

RECESSION IS FAMINE

RECESSION IS FAMINE

Is this producing a different result for you?

If not, don’t worry. Not every Sycological game works for everyone, and I’ve got a million of these up my sleeve. But if you are starting to sense what this could do to how you feel every day, then play with it some more.

This personal development stuff – in my book – should be FUN not FEAR! And yet so many people would have us not get the gain without the pain. HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?

My philosophy is based on David Attennborough’s view that if I can entertain you, then you will learn something.

More important than what I do though, is what YOU DO!

Entertain yourself, make it a habit. Play with ideas. Flip them. Do the opposite of what you’ve been taught, or what other people do.

This is how inventions happen – Sticky Notes – Viagra – for example!

There’s no FUN in CAREFUL!

Take Care: Be Special!

QJ